Another Day

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So here it is another day down. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I'm totally getting excited about our new baby. I can't lie, I'm scared as hell but excited none the less. It's so expensive to raise a child these days, hell it's expensive just to survive on your own! I am humbly proud of how far along I have come. When I was younger I had a pretty privileged life. My family wasn't rich, but we were well off. Things changed drastically and fast. Once my mother and father split after 16 plus years of being married that's when the end began. I was devastated, I was staying the night at a friends house when I got a phone call from my Mom, and pretty much just told me she wasn't happy anymore and that she had to leave. She asked if I wanted to come with her or stay with my dad. What a messed up position to be in, you see I'm a Momma's boy and always have been. I definitely wanted to be with my Mom but I knew, not just thought I with out a doubt knew that my Dad would have taken his life if I left him also. That was to much burden for me to carry at such a young age. I know my life would have been better and easier if I went with Mom, but I had to stay with my Pops. My Dad was crushed, he couldn't figure out what went wrong or what he had done. In his eyes he had done everything for my Mom, and I agreed. The thing is, to provide for my Mom and I he had to work hard! He worked too much, and I guess my Mom just wanted more of him and his time and not just the material things he worked so hard to provide. My Dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, you wouldn't see my old man without a Bud in his hand. But I didn't see a problem with his drinking. He didn't miss work, he didn't beat on me or my Mom. In fact he was more fun to be around once he had a few in him. But as I have learned, this disease can take a long time to progress, and my Dad's problems began once my Mom left. He was in such bad shape he couldn't take care of himself let alone take care of me. I got started selling pot just to feed my damn self. It had got to a point where my Dad wouldn't come home until like 5 or 6 in the morning, piss drunk and crying his eyes out. I had up until this time, never seen my Dad cry. It was heart wrenching, horrible. My Dad was my rock, he always had the answers, he was always so strong and all of a sudden he lost it. Since he owned his own business doing finish carpentry, it was easy for him to leave early and hit the bar. I know he was just trying to numb the pain he was feeling, believe I know how that works but he didn't know how much what he was doing was effecting me. It took him almost killing us to get him to stop drinking, and that didn't last long enough. He came home one night and when he arrived, he was parked in the driveway and just sitting there. I kept waiting for him to come in but he didn't, so I went out to him, he looked so sad and I could tell he had been crying. He looked up at me and asked if I was hungry, of course I was hungry I was freaking starving. So he says hop in, we'll go get something to eat. I didn't realize how drunk he was until it was too late. My Dad's car was a Camero Z28 with a LT1 5.0 fuel injected formula one corvette race engine in it(Basically really DAMN fast) he gets it up to a hundred miles an hour and asks me, does this scare you. Being young and dumb I say no, he gets to 160 and repeats his question and before I could answer he was wiping a tear from his eye on his sleeve and as we veered to the right just slightly, he went to correct and sent is into a spin... okay more like 4 or 5 spins before landing in a ditch facing the sky and literally with a tree less than a foot from the right side and less than a foot on the left side. A miracle, we wrecked on an old country road doing 160 plus and I don't have a scratch on my body and my Dad was so fucked up he trys to turn the key thinking he's going to drive away. This little old lady and her husband come out to make sure we are okay and my Dad's already gone. Needless to say he got his first DUI for that incident and once he sobered up he realized that he really had a problem. I feel that because he was doing the treatment and all that for the courts satisfaction is the reason things didn't work for long. So within 3yrs my Dad racks up 7 or 8 DUI's and was pretty much on the run. It's was only a matter of time before he either died or got caught and went to jail. Thank God he got pulled over before he killed himself or heaven forbid someone else. Anyway I guess I'm venting a little bit and honestly theres probably nobody that's even going to read this, but the one thing you need to know is that my dad is not a bad guy, he just made some very bad choices and when all was said and done he payed for it, he ended up doing 2 years county. If you knew my father you could not possibly picture him in jail. Well this is where things started to get really bad for me because of the fact he went to jail, that meant I was out of a place to live and without my Dad. I went threw soooo much loss during this time its insane. It's like a bad country song, My dad went to jail, I lost my home, my dog who had been my best friend for years I had to put to sleep due to his hip problems, my other best friend and partner in crime moved to Alaska, and on and on the list of loss went. Regardless, I have came from having everything to losing everything, to being homeless living in a van, to getting clean, getting a job having my son, meeting my soon to be wife, being blessed with another baby and best of all getting my first apartment without the help of anybody. I'm still struggling and might always be, but I still feel blessed, things can always be worse. I've learned to appreciate the finer things in life. Things that can't be bought! Well it's getting late and I need some sleep so I will continue to tell you all about my life, past and present. So again thank you for taking time out of your life to read about mine!

Day 4- - Ya I know I missed a day. Sorry

So my life has been pretty damn hectic lately. With the baby on the way and everything else it's been kinda hard to keep up on my blogging but I promise I will do my best to keep everything up to date. So on my last blog I asked for my readers to give me some questions, something that you might want to know about me or my life, so get at it. Drop me a line, I made it easy for you by placing a spot on the side of my page to leave a question or even just leave me a comment directly under my blog. I would just like to know what it is that you would like to hear about. So anyway back to my craziness, my woman and I really want to know how far along she is and in order to do that we have to get an ultrasound. Well those ultrasounds are not cheap. So now we have to apply for a coupon through DSHS that way its payed for by the state. I'm a prideful person and hate to ask for help but in my current situation I need that help, I pay my taxes so what the hell. Also I'm unemployed at the moment at least I receive unemployment but that's nothing compared to what I made before, I was " laid off" from my last job which was the best job I've had in my life and I plan to go back and speak with my old supervisor to see if I just might be able to get my job back. I worked for a company called King Extrusions, and I was a line attendant working on being trained to become a full blown operator. I pretty much already did all the operators responsibility's but the deference is the pay and the title. I had excellent pay great benefits and hardcore hours. I work 12hr days, my schedule is 5days on 5days off, 2days on then 2days off. So it feels like I had a 5 day vacation every other week. The other weird thing is that we would work for 2 months on the day schedule 7Am to 7pm and then switch to night schedule 7pm to 7am. Kinda hard to get used to at first but I loved it. Plus we had payed holidays and a lot of other perks. Enough about that, I just ask that YOU as my readers pray or just put out some positive thoughts that I get this job back! I thank you in advance. So another crazy thing that happened to me yesterday, my girlfriend was going to check the mail, the next thing I hear was her screaming for me, scared the hell out of me because of course I'm thinking the worst. So I run out there only to find that there was this poor little squirrel lying there half dead. The poor guys back leg was bleeding and his tail was mangled. It looked like a dog got a hold of it. So I made a phone call and asked some animal control type people to come pick him up and take care of him. They told me to try to wrap him in a towel and keep him warm in a box or something.... Ha, ya right, catch a wild squirrel that's hurt, but me being the animal lover I am I gave it a try. Well the little bugger didn't want to be caught so he chose to run, he made it under a bush so I tried reaching under there and off he went again this time under the neighbors fence. Well when I jumped the fence I landed on a bunch of debris and either broke or twisted my ankle and I lost the little guy. Damn that sucked, I go to help this poor thing with a hurt leg and only end up hurting my leg! LOL So on a serious note another thing you guys don't know about me is that I have been fighting this nasty custody battle to keep my son. I'm not fighting with my baby's mother I'm fighting her Grandparents. You see they hate me, and I do mean hate me. Why I don't know, I never did anything to them to deserve what I've been through. They called CPS on me less than a year after my son was born making all sorts of allegations like I was driving around drunk with him, selling drugs with him around, leaving him in a crib crying all day and the big one was saying that I was taking Oxycontin (that's another story I'll get into later). All bullshit and lies, anybody who knows me knows that my son is my life I would never do anything to hurt him!! So the short version for now is that I received a call from a CPS caseworker telling me that if I didn't go down and take a drug and alcohol assessment they would take my child. At the time I did smoke pot, never around my son and not to make lite of things but come on POT, not the worst drug in the world. So I went right on down and took their test knowing full well I wouldn't pass the THC part and I even told them that, they said oh don't worry everything will be fine. Come to find out I was tricked from the get, I didn't have to take that test until it was court ordered and by that time it would have been clean and I would not be going threw all of this shit that I have. On the flip side it's been a blessing in disguise because it's made me a better person and I've learned alot. It's kept me from completely going over the edge. Okay so the messed up thing is after they found my dirty U.A. and started forcing me to do all these things like parenting assessments and parenting classes and whatever else. Treatment was the big one and that did me a lot more bad then good. While I was in treatment I had to do random U.A.'s and I found out that if I took these Oxycontin pills they were out of my system in like 2 days tops. So Right after I took a U.A. I would take a pill and there you have it, the system helped turn me from a pothead into a freaking pill junkie. It took along time for everything to progress but believe me it did. Within years I lost EVERYTHING, including things you can't get back like dead friends, family and such! I have been through sooooo much shit in my life, so much suffering, so much hurt, so much pain and I really hope that with everything I've been through I can help somebody out there even just ONE person! So this is the hard part for me, here I am trying to fight to keep my parental rights and get my son back home with whom he belongs and now here comes another baby in my life. I KNOW in my heart that I am a GREAT father, I've messed up, made bad choices but who hasn't. Nothing I've done has been bad enough to take my son from me. I really wanted to have custody of my son before having another one but GOD has a different plan for me. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The question is always "What" is that reason. So now that I've bared my heart and soul I hope YOU my readers haven't judged me quit yet. There is still a lot more for you to learn. It's truly scary to put all this out there for the world to read when most of this I don't even talk about with the people closest to me! Again thanks for taking time from your life to read about mine! To be continued....

Day 2 - WOW what a day!

So world, I just found out that I am going to be a father again. What exciting, scary, wonderful news! You see my son was not planned but turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me. He was God's gift to me and the world. This time, my woman and I have been talking about it and came to the conclusion that we where going to give it a go but we wanted to get things more in order. You know, get better prepared, more money in the bank and we definitely wanted to move out of the two bedroom apartment we are currently in. Well... somebody had a different plan for us and now she's pregnant, so this ones at least a little more planned but I can't lie, I am still scared. I know in my heart that we will make this work because that's just what I do. I have been struggling my whole life but always seem to make things work and this will be no different. So at this point I am really curious if anybody is even interested in reading my story, so if you happen to read this please leave me a comment and let me know, ask me some questions, give some suggestions and also let me know if any readers would like me to maybe place some pictures. I could place some pictures of my son, of our current apartment which by the way our lease is up in two months and so we are now on the hunt for a bigger better place but I was thinking about documenting all of this threw my blogs and pictures as long as at least somebody is interested in seeing and reading of this. So again, please drop me a comment and let me know if this is something YOU as my readers would like to see. Thanks again to anybody taking time from your life to read about mine. I will be getting to the more juicy details of my crazy life as soon as I know that I have at least one reader LOL.

Day 1 - And so it begins

If you are reading this, chances are that like myself you've found that life as we get older seems to be harder and harder to enjoy. When I was younger I was a very active person, I enjoyed all outdoor activities including hiking, camping, skateboarding, snowboarding, all and any sports, reading, and many other things. These days it seems as though I can't enjoy anything. I suppose that if I am to be completely honest in my blogging I need to let all my readers know that I have struggled with drug addiction pretty much my whole life. I hope that you all don't judge me too quickly. You wouldn't know that I was a drug addict by looking at me, in fact most of my friends and family did not know that I was abusing drugs. I feel that my many years of using has led to my problems with enjoying life these days. I have created this blog for many reasons, first off I am hoping that in sharing my story I might reach that one person and make a change in YOUR life. Maybe by reading about my troubles YOU will steer clear of making my mistakes! I am also interested in documenting "my road to happiness". I am making a promise to myself today that I am going to take the next 30 days to change my life, I have not given up hope yet and do not plan to. I deserve to be happy and so do YOU! So your job as a reader is to challenge me, question me and just follow me on this crazy journey I plan to make. I thank anybody who takes the time to read anything that I post as I know you don't have to take time from your life to read about mine.